DEEP THOUGHTS: by Jack Handey
Once again, from Phil's Phunky Page ... a series of quotes from one of my favorite Saturday Night Live commercials .... Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. A friend of mine, many moons ago, plugged a concept in my head that I believe holds true always: "It is the simple things in life that make it worth living." .... and these quotes absolutely support that fact (a goodie Hinkley!). Anywho ... enjoy the sarcasm and slightly bent humor ......
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster,
I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like
"Hey look, he's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started
laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun
of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until
he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and say, "Hey, I'm Vine Man!"
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your
life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say,
"No speakaa English."
I think there should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey,"
because every week you could have a guy say "I aint gonna get caught by no monkey ,"
but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Why do the catepillar and the ants have to be enemies?
One eats leaves, and the other eats catepillars. Oh, now I see.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while?
Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like,
"Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?"
or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back
and said, "Hey, good job."
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves
of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lenghtwise loaves.
Otherwise, it makes no sense.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine,
which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind".
Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size.
Because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff.
Then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite,
but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was,
I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history,
in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby?
Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.
But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable -
until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown
and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story?
Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head
with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you,
I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,
because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,
"Dust to dust, " some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive.
I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."
We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, I think another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back,
just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department,
but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter!
And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand,
but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy,
which one would you think liked dolphins the most?
I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke."
But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back
with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning,
and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date,
I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open,
and you're friends are all watching you fall,
I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
If a cowboy was dragging a man behind his horse,
I bet it would make him real mad if he looked back and saw the guy reading a magazine.
Whether or not they find life there, I think we should consider Jupiter an enemy planet.
I hope when I'm old and rich, I won't be cruel to homeless people, like I am now.
If, when you die, you get a choice between going to Pie Heaven or Real Heaven,
choose Pie Heaven. It may be a trick, but if not, mmmmm boy!
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thingI did was call the police.
But then I started wondering, who this person was, and why they had deer horns.
I support saving the earth for our children, but not for our grandchildren,
because I think children having sex is wrong.